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Horrifically Real Baby Advice From A Dad

June 23, 2020

Horrifically Real Baby Advice From A Dad

I have two children and let me tell you, I’ve received some terrible advice over the years. I often read lists of tips that make babies sound easy. They are always fluffy and full of little tricks that don’t work and make me feel like a parenting failure. Or they make me feel like there is something wrong with my baby, which is terrifying and untrue. Sometimes I wonder if people without kids write these lists.

Anyway, I’d like to bring it down a level, so I put together a little list of my own. I won’t bullshit you. Here are the real baby pro tips.

  1. Baby rompers with a press-stud crotch were designed by assholes. I'm a worldly, experienced and mature man and I still can’t figure those damn things out. Make your life easier and buy rompers with zips. Hell, that's why I bought Li'l Zippers.
  2. Babies cry, pee, poop, and puke. That’s it. Don’t expect them to sleep, care, or be interesting. Going into it with this mindset will help you realise your baby is normal.
  3. Baby boys will pee in your face. It’s a fact. Keep your mouth closed when changing their nappy.
  4. The first time you change a nappy after transitioning to solid food will smell like death. Eat a light meal that day.
  5. Don't bounce your baby over your head. New parents often do this. The little bugger will puke in your mouth. Then laugh.
  6. If a baby has a blowout, just throw the outfit away. Doesn’t matter how cute it is. It won’t come out. And even if it does, by the time you get done fighting the stain, they will have grown out of it anyway.
  7. People will tell you to let your baby cry it out. Others will tell you not to. Screw them all and make your own decisions. It will all work out.
  8. If someone judges you for how you feed your baby, bottle or breast, you need to cut that person from your life. The reality is that in two years, that kid is going to be eating fruit snacks off the floor. You don’t need the stress of justifying the boob or the bottle to someone.
  9. Sometimes babies cry and you can’t figure it out. In moments like that, set them in their crib for a moment and eat cookies. Then try again to soothe them. The key here is cookies.
  10. Babies pull hair, lips, and eyelids. Hard. Watch their little sneaky hands.
  11. There will be a short time (a week or two) when your baby can sit up and entertain themselves, but still can’t crawl. You can leave them in one spot and they won’t disappear. This is the best moment of parenthood. Period. Enjoy the hell out of it.
  12. Strangers and irritating children will touch your baby without invitation. It’s okay to ask them, politely, to piss off.
  13. You are on the baby’s schedule now. And they don’t give a shit about your job, sleep or punctuality. The best you can do is line your pockets with excuses and apologies.
  14. The secret to babies is caffeine. Don’t fight it. Just drink the hell out of that shit. It will be fine.

Sure, there are more pro tips - there always are. But this should get you started.