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27 Things You DON'T Want To Know About Giving Birth

October 18, 2018


27 Things You DON'T Want To Know About Giving Birth

The miracle of birth. The giving of life and the wonder that is personally bringing another being into this world. It can be glorious.

In fact, there are many reasons why the maternity ward is a place where hope truly comes alive but we'd be lying if we didn't tell you there are also some real horror moments too.

Prepare yourself for these...

 

1. Literally shi#$ing yourself...

2. ...or shi#$ing ON someone else.

3. Having multiple people looking at your vagina at all times with your legs spread wide open.

4. And sometimes having it feel like those people are talking to your vagina and not you.

5. Asking, "What is going on?", but not having anyone answer you.

6. Someone shoving their fingers up to their elbow in you to check your dilation.

7. A bunch of strangers cutting your body open if you’re having a c-section.

8. Having contractions every few minutes - imagine period cramps, then multiply that by 100. It's bad!

9. Having a catheter tube shoved up your pee hole…and then having to pee into a bag.

10. Sweating so much that it feels like you're constantly DRENCHED in water.

11. Not being able to eat for 12+ hours.

12. Delivering the placenta, which feels like a second birth.

13. Not being able to leave the hospital until you make a bowel movement.

14. Constantly being asked if you’ve farted yet (to get that BM going!)

15. And when you do, being way more terrified of the pooping experience than the childbirth itself.

16. Having a post-birth uterus “massage” that hurts like a literal bitch.

17. Worrying you’re going to rip from your vagina to your butthole...

18. ...and then sometimes ACTUALLY ripping from your vagina to your butthole.

19. Or, on rare occasions, having to be CUT from your vagina to your butt!

 



20. Not being able to laugh without being in pain after giving birth…

21. ...or sometimes even stand, for that matter.

22. Having people "calmly" telling you how to breathe or reciting “hee hee ho” while you scream...

23. Having to use a squirt bottle on your lady parts afterwards because you cannot wipe!

24. Having your stomach feel like a giant blob of dough because, you know, it's still huge even after the baby comes out.

25. Needing to wear ice packs on your vagina after giving birth. Comfy.

26. Or wearing an abdominal binder to literally keep your guts from falling out.

27. And finally, having to wear what’s basically a diaper for weeks after to help soak up all the residual blood etc.

 

Are you ready?